I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
