I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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