how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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