Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
