Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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