i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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