She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
