so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
