I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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