If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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