He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
