the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
