okay pat passed out under dana's car
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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