Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
