I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
