DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
