is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
