I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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