Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I still have a little drunk in my system
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
