I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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