He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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