70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize
