remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
