Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
