I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
