soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
