Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
