This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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