Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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