what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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