My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
