"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
