the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
