I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
