I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
