Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
