I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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