yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
grandma shit on top of the toilet
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
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