you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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