I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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