I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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