when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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