i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
