What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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