Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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