i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
