pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
