just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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