my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
