i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
