u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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