he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
