so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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