Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
