I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
