My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
