Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
