my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
