Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
