tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
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Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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