I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You are the jesus of drinking
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
