who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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