You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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